What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 08:13
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I think the readers, may guess!
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I was very sick at this time too.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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She found it foreign!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was in good health!
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She married twice! .
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it wasn’t much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I don,t even have a pension.
Would this be the day?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Comes on , in middle age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot live in the past .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My life is so biszare .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I waited trembling.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i do to all so called friends.?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She wouldn,t have been !
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It was going to be , some day.
I was seconnd youngest,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
This is soul school!.
So whats the point in blame.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Who then, do I blame.?
My family never makes their pension either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He knew the spot.
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I said to her
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i lived it daily.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was 9 years of age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
When she asked me how she looked .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
All the time i was locked up.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But, we were locked up after school.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We were not on the streets..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Put me off passion for life!!
I write beautiful poetry .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She loved him until the end.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Ive learnt so much.
I was scared of men, in general
Im still living with it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But ive been too sick for many years..
We all went to grammer schools
He resisted the act ,that day.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I have no regrets .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
What did i know ?